This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize