I smell stomach acid.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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