guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
