Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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