i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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