So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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