I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
