like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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