you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
