well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
