i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
