i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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