Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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