What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
