he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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