Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
