I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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