i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize