I seem to have left my pride at pride
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
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