If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
