I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize