Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
