Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
