if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
