when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
