My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
