why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
