The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
