things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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