I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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