wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
