dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
