Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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