How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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