I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
