The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I need to stop coming to work sober
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
