doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
