he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
