Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
