$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
