I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
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