Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize