My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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