Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
