I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
