That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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