Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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