a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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