I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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