if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize