did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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