He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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