You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Drunk walkin through police station. America
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
