I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
