i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
