It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just want nice things and good sex
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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