I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Sober January is a disaster.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
