I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
