Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
